He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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