...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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