she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
