Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
