I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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