fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
