if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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