I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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