apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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