1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There are leaves in my underwear?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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