Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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