I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
