After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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