i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
