I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
