Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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