my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
