I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
