i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
