she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
