ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
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