It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
