Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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