The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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