He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Randomize
