There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
