I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
