Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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