ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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