I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
