I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
