so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
