I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
