New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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