Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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