Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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