I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i love accidental penises.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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