There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
