Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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