The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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