The maid of honor just puked.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
