my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
