So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
