and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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