1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
