Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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