The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!