alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.