I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
