He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
