He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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