The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
