GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
