Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
