Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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