My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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