I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
