He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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