For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
