If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
