Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
